This is just a rambling sort of post.
Yesterday, Hannah of Flair Candy saw me and Vince and our boy Vito. Now, Hannah is one of the country's power bloggers. I met her in October 2009 when we were part of Nuffnang Philippine's representatives to their first ever Blogger Awards held at Singapore. She asked me, almost three years married at the time, if I had any kids. I shuddered and said, "Nope, no plans on having kids ever!" One month later, I was pregnant.
So yesterday, when Hannah saw me with Vito, she teased me about that. Believe me, a lot of people have thrown my words to my face again and again over the last 19 months and I accept it all with good nature. But have my views on motherhood changed? Not at all.
What people don't know is I never wanted to be a mother not because I hate kids or because I think motherhood is overrated; I didn't want to be a mom because I think it's the hardest job in the world and I just don't think I'm qualified for it. Even now!
I told this to Mia Cruz, the editor of Smart Parenting, and she said, "That's great you think that way. A lot of people just enter into parenting thinking it's all cute and wonderful. It's really a lot of responsibility."
And now that I'm in the thick of it, it really is the hardest, most nerve-wracking, most tiring thing I've ever done. Of course it's also cute and wonderful and fun and incredibly joyful but let me tell ya, there are many days when I really miss the ten-hour sleep, the smoking, waking up at noon on weekends, the towering heels, the stylish clothes, the just-get-up-and-go-to-the-movies, the freedom. Actually, I don't need all that. I just want to sleep for ten hours straight again!
So do I regret becoming a mommy? Of course not. And that's no defensive chuva. I love being a mom, which is still a surprise to me. But I confess that I did spend the first five months of my pregnancy with Vito sad and scared. Well, to be completely honest, I was unhappy throughout the pregnancy. I wept in Vince's arms, wailing, "My life is over! My life is over!" Mommy friends and friends who were trying to have kids would scold me harshly or gently, depending on my mood, "Be grateful!" But I wasn't. I was terrified. It's hard to be grateful for something you never asked for.
Then Vito came and he's just such a joy. He's also such a handful. Every day, I thank God for giving me not what I wanted but what I needed. I certainly never thought motherhood was for me so thank goodness God's a whole lotta smarter than I am!
I'm still terrified, though. Parenting is never-ending vigilance, which is very very exhausting. So I still won't go around telling people, "Have babies! They're the best thing ever!" Yes, they sure are nice but, boy, taking care of them is not for the faint-hearted. Have kids when you're ready. What does ready mean? I don't exactly know but it sure has something to do with selflessness. Even now, I battle with my selfishness every moment! But that's what being a parent means and if you can give up yourself, then you can have kids!
Okay, rambling ended. Time to cuddle the baby! Happy weekend!