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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Mother's Day makes me sad

Thank you to everyone who greeted me a happy mommy's day. That really amused me since, technically, I'm still a mom-to-be but, gee, I already am taking care of a little one in my tummy and a fat rabbit in the utility area so yup, that makes me a mom! Thanks!

Happy Mother's Day to you, too—moms of their own kids, pets, nephews and nieces—as long as you're taking care of someone, I salute you!


Anyway, I've been avoiding my darling blogging community the last few days because it was Mother's Day weekend and I just didn't want to read about how happy you are to have your moms around. Makes the emptiness in my heart just a wee bit more hollow, you know? But that didn't mean I didn't think of Mama, though I did try not to so I wouldn't be sad, but hey, maybe sadness isn't too bad. So today I finally allowed myself to wallow.

I was thinking today of this huge irony in my life: Mama had always wanted a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Our house used to be nice but decay had set in and we didn't have the money to do repairs so the house just became... well, not nice. Also, our once quiet neighborhood had become a den of thieves and peeping Toms so Mama always talked about moving to another place.

She loved looking at the Crown Asia subdivisions in Antipolo—Maia Alta, Cottonwood—pretty little communities nestled far up in the hills. She'd say she'd buy a white car so she can visit us and she'd plant a pretty garden because Mama had an awfully green thumb and she can make dead things come to life.

So when I started working, I promised Mama I'd buy her a house in Cottonwood (it was nicer there, I thought). Vince knew this dream and agreed with me—we were going to buy Mama a house! Of course, a house and lot (and that white car) don't come cheap so I really spent the last decade just slaving away. I had a day job and then I had many other projects—PR writing here, web content there, and magazine articles, too. I seemed to be endlessly writing and never sleeping. Mama said she understood whenever I couldn't see her. I was just too damn busy, yes, but it was all for buying her that house! I hardly saw her the last few years of her life but I was getting there, getting closer to our dream.

On February 14, 2008—her 63rd birthday—I told her that with the way things are going, Vince and I would most likely buy her her own house and lot as her 65th birthday gift. She was so giddy. She died a few months later.

A few months after we buried Mama, I got a big raise. I remember looking at that piece of paper and just feeling... nothing. Just this vast emptiness that threatened to swallow me up and never spit me out. I think I went on a shopping spree for me, Vince, my sister and my nieces. I don't really remember.

Do I regret working too much when I could've spent that time with her? Sometimes I do, most times I don't. I did it for her, you see.

Sure, I may not have been able to get her her house but I was able to do this one thing for her: When I got married in 2007, and Mama walked down that aisle looking like a queen, I was so happy for her. When the wedding came out in the society pages and the people who had put her down and sneered at her all those years for being poor and unlucky began calling her up and wanted to be friends again, I was happy for her. She had a daughter who made her proud, and I was that daughter. I gave her a reason to lift her chin again. And I am never going to regret that.

Still, when Mother's Day comes rolling around, or her birthday, or mine, or the holidays, or when this whole motherhood thing crashes down on me and I get terrified at becoming a mom myself, I do wish she were still around so that I don't have to be so strong and so brave all the time. Because really, most of the time, I don't have any idea how life works and it would be so nice to have a mother around. Even for just a little while.


16 comments:

  1. "the people who had put her down and sneered at her all those years for being poor and unlucky began calling her up and wanted to be friends again, I was happy for her.." --> I can totally relate to this one.. even the decaying part.. it was also my dream to give my mom a house.. :( oh Frances, the pain, when will it go away?

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  2. Come to think of it, this may be your last sad mother's day.

    So I will just greet you an advanced happy mother's day for next year! Advanced happy mother's day!

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  3. This is a wonderful entry, Frances. That you so adored and still are so protective of your mother - it's beautiful. Reminds the rest of us who still have our mothers around to never take them for granted!

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  4. I can feel how sad you are, F. But I'm sure your mom is smiling down on you now and cheering you on as you near the path of mommyhood. :)

    *hug*

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  5. Gosh Frances. I literally cried reading this. Really tugged at the heart. I'm sure your mom is very very proud of you.

    Oh and I know it's late, but Happy Mother's day!

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  6. Thank you everybody. Your encouragement helps a lot on painful days like these =)

    Shen, people who've lost their parents tell me the pain never ends. We just learn to live with it. And when I look at you, you're such a beautiful person so the pain has added more beauty to your life =)

    Thanks, MMMummy! I really am looking forward to being a mom =)

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  7. belated happy mother's day frances and thanks for sharing yourself and you mom with us through your wondeful posts :)

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  8. Like you, I did feel weird about mother's day. It would have been almost 4 years since she passed away yet mother's day still...I don't really know the word for it....basta it makes me feel both happy (that she's my mom) and sad (because I miss her and wish she's still here). So...just wanted to say that I can relate.

    :-) Candice

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  9. I was literally in tears while reading this. I know how you feel, not having your a mom around during this time.

    I'm a new mom also just like you. And I also lost my mother.

    Based on what you're written and accomplished, I think your mom is really proud of you..

    BTW, your son is so adorable! And I'm a new follower! I love your blog big time! :D

    Take care and God bless to you and your family.. :D

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  10. I lost my mom very suddenly, and I wasn't ready when it happened. I'm now pregnant with my 1st baby and I would give anything just to have her here with me. I still miss her so much. It's been 4 years. I just want you to know that I, as a daughter who lost her mom too soon, feel for you.

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  11. Hi Candice, Karzten and Erclimchu, grief is a strange thing--it never really does go away, no? Thanks for your warmth and comfort. Here's hugs and love to you too!

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  12. It really hurts to remember that we are just on our own, learning to become a mother and no one to guide us. We just have to console ourselves that she is on a much happier place now, and that she never had left , because she is always inside your heart.

    Btw, you are doing a great job being a mom, that is.

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  13. Hi Mommy Frances, I'm just a new follower [less than a month, maybe] and I've come across this post. This one's written 2 years ago and I can totally relate to how you wanted to give your mom a house. I want to give my mom a house and everything that can make her happy, just to reciprocate all her sacrifices for me. It's just that, things turned out differently.:(

    Anyway, you're near your due and I hope this Mother's Day you're not that sad anymore...God bless you Mommy Frances, you and your blog are so inspiring! :) Great writing! -http://theruralmom.blogspot.com/

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  14. Hi Frances! I am a new reader of your blog 'though I always see your comments on DaphneOP's twitter account. I've come across your topaz horizon.com account through Chuvaness. And now, I have a new blogger to follow! I've been reading your past posts for the past days and now this post... This made me cry :-( I'm sure your Mom must have been proud of you.

    I used to dread Mother's Day too. Six years after I got married, I was waiting and waiting to become a mother and failed every month. Until I stopped wishing and crying. Year after that, I became a Mom to a beautiful daughter who is now 6years old. The power of prayers! I wish you and your family all the best. ( can I say that this is my first comment to a blog site ever :-) and that you made me open an account? :-)) that's how moved I am with your post. I will keep on reading and you might see "me" often.
    Best regards,
    Pia

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  15. Hi Frances! This post is very touching. Malapit na ko maiyak.

    I'm sure your Mama is having a grand time in heaven and very happy at how your life has turned out to be.

    God bless.

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